An Unscheduled Post: A Parent's Struggle with 'Terrible Two'

It is 06:13 am right now and it has been on my mind for a few days. I need to write this down as an outlet and also to gain clarity about my own feelings by the end of this post.

To start off, let me first say that I do not believe in putting labels onto any given situation, especially if I see it as counter-productive to what I want to achieve. Calling or acknowledging it as ‘Terrible Two’, which I know some parents have no issues with, just shapes the mental model and perspective because as humans, we always need a justification or reason for the trying times we are going through right.

“Ah, throwing tantrums again? Must be the terrible two phase.”

Something about this exercise of justification feels .. self-centred to me and I am deeply uncomfortable about it.

If anything, I wonder if the term ‘Terrible Two’ also applies to toddlers too. I often asked myself, how hard must it be for Daniel to try to make sense of what he is going through emotionally, psychologically and physically. The blur lines between reliance on us as his parents and his desire for independence; the flames of curiosity and the ice-cold rules of our social world that he needs to conform to but have little to no understanding of them; and all the while he can linguistically understand more but not able to express himself just as much. I often imagine of the struggle and the frustration he feels every time he could not tell us exactly how he feels and the subsequent overwhelming emotions that ensued.

This is a reminder that this phase of our lives is not about us but it is about him.

But I would be lying if I say that I can remain level- and clear-headed like this always. Unfortunately, I do not have my 06:13 am moments with me throughout the day, especially not when the parenting bit gets really challenging.

The most challenging part, personally, is dealing with the doubts that arise when our actions feel instinctive and reactive to his. I cannot help but to think if what my wife and I are doing now are correct or wrong. Are we too firm or hard on him? If yes, what damage has that done to his self-confidence and our bond together? Or are we too lenient to him? If yes, how will he ever understand the rules that we surround ourselves with? Despite knowing that parenting is all about trials and errors, I still wished for a ten-year series answer to all of my questions. I also wished that there is an ‘odometer’ for our parenting efforts; OHH, THAT IS A BIT TOO MUCH, SCALE BACK DOWN PLEASE or a THAT IS A BIT TOO SOFT, DON’T WORRY, HE CAN TAKE IT.

If there is one thing that has always been crystal clear to me, it is that this is never about how to get through this phase or when will this phase ends.

It is about ensuring Daniel comes out of this phase unscathed, loved and ready for his next development leap.

Alas, I am afraid that the answer to my questions lies in our own consistent best effort and prayer because that is all we can do; that when we finally get over to the other side and look back at all of our actions in the past, combined with a little wisdom of hindsight, we will not regret anything - that Daniel came out on the better side of it too.

With love, mama and papa.