Feb 17

Feb 17 Knowing No Limits or Boundaries

Feb 2023

Parenting is a journey made up of phases and in each phase, there is a challenge to overcome.

It is sort of a game where after you clear one level, you will score points and proceed to the next higher level.

Let me explain this with Daniel as a case in point.

I initially rejoiced at his growing abilities which meant newfound freedom for him and more ‘hands off’ for me (sounds the same as freedom eh?). Things like walking up and down the stairs unsupervised and longer walking endurance were just some of the development milestones that I could not wait for when he was just a baby/infant.

So naturally, when he started acting/behaving like a ‘big boy’, I heaved a sigh of relief. I thought that the physical and manual labour phase of parenting was over and it really is.

But when one phase comes to an end, another MENTAL phase begins and with it .. its very own unique challenges.

For a start, let me caveat this first by saying that it is a happy challenge for me. Happy that “these” are happening but tired because of how challenging it can get at times.

One area that Daniel is discovering and exercising a lot lately is his ability to make choices and ***DEFEND*** them.

Let me ask you this - how long did you think Daniel had worn that plaster for when this photo was taken?
What did you say? Yeah, for four straight days. He loves his animal plasters so much and he simply refuse to remove it even when it gets wet when he showers.
And do you want to know what the best part is?
He does not even have a scratch underneath the plaster!
But no amount of talking can convince this young chap from changing his mind. He defended his choice to keep the plaster on so fiercely - until it came off on its own.

Another epic episode also happened within the same weekend.

TLDR; there was this once when we were heading out and I told Daniel that he cannot bring the two toys in his hands. I rationalised with him that we need at least one hand when walking down the stairs to hold onto the railings (that was the easiest excuse I could come up with then).

“How are you going to walk down the stairs and hold the railing if both of your hands have one toy each, Daniel?” I said.

His incessant tears stopped and he paused to think. What he did next was just beyond my imagination.

He got up on his two feet and walked over to my wife’s bag. He placed one of his toys in my wife’s bag and returned to me.

“Papa, see, now I only have one toy. I keep the other toy in mama’s bag, okay?”

Then I realised what he just did. My instructions, when interpreted by his brilliant mind, simply meant that he cannot have his hands full when going down the stairs. I did not state that he could not bring two outs out of our house. So he went to keep one of his toys to meet my demand then! He found a loophole in my instructions and he exploited it.

From these episodes, I learned that just as it is important for Daniel to make choices on his own and defend them, he needs to learn how to accept rejection or take a NO too.

The other challenge that I am starting to face more regularly now is a little upsetting.

As Daniel grows in confidence and discover new abilities, both physically and intellectually, without learning the rules and norms of a society yet, it is only a matter of time before his behaviour in the public starts attracting judgemental looks, starring eyes and dismissive hisses.

There was once he thought climbing up and down a stool in a restaurant was fun. And my wife saw a man shaking his head away in annoyance at Daniel.

I wished I was the one who saw him shaking his head cos I would love to gently go and fly the kite.

I get it, there are things that Daniel does which will get on people’s nerves, JUST LIKE ANY OTHER TODDLERS right. I mean, he can literally jump and crawl all over our nerves for fun too, and it is tough to watch our patience when that happens.

But I had this reflection moment - how can a parent of a perfectly normal son have lesser patience than a parent with a special needs child? I know it is a contentious comparison to make but what I want to say is that even in the hardest and darkest moments of parenting a child, there will always be an abundance of reasons to be thankful for.

Sure, Daniel is in the phase of discovery and it is all focusing on his own abilities now but soon, he will learn to adapt his abilities to his surrounding and circumstances too.

At the end of the day, the world is this big place with lots of interesting colours and slides to climb for him, and he needs me to give him the protected space to explore, learn and fall.

And you know what? I would never have it any other way.

I love you, my son.